Jiu Jitsu, life and lay offs

As I was approaching the date of my surgery I started having second thoughts about Jiu Jitsu. It wasn't that I didn't like it, quite the opposite but I was starting to not enjoy my training sessions. I was turning up, getting dominated by almost everyone I sparred with and then going home extremely frustrated. Now I'm not the sort of person who gets annoyed at being tapped out, my ego isn't quite that out of control, but I will admit to feeling that pang of satisfaction when I land a sub on someone at my own level. I think anyone who says they don't feel at least a little pleased with themselves is either lying or slightly deluded. However much you 'get' sparring and understand that it's not win or lose but practice and a chance to experiment, everyone is pleased when they catch someone with something they've been practising for a while and I don't see anything wrong with this. If you're training and training to get better, it's totally natural to be pleased when your skills over come someone else's.

Anyway, I digress; I was experiencing the tell tale signs of a BJJ rut. Everyone else was progressing apart from me. I'd turn up and get put into some crazy choke I'd never seen before or reversed so fast I didn't know up from down. Everything being shown to me was going in one ear and out the other. I don't care about getting tapped out but I was finding it hard to not be bothered by being completely dominated to the point of literally being someone else's grappling dummy. Anyone who does BJJ will tell you they've been in ruts before but I'd never seriously considered giving up before. I started imagining what I'd be able to do with all the time I'd suddenly have; going out in the evenings with friends, hitting the weights several times a week and actually getting that body I always wanted, being able to study and finally finish off my PT qualification and all of a sudden, a life without BJJ seemed so attractive.

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I have ideas that turn into obsessions that then devolve into annoyances. My PT qualification is a perfect example. I worked my arse off to get my level 2 Gym Instructor but my interested waned as I was working for level 3 and I still have much of it outstanding over a year past the date I was supposed to be finished. The same concept can be applied to my Martial Arts history; chopping and changing as novelty wears off. It's no small thing then that I've been at BJJ for three years solidly now and suggests to me that I've found the sport that I will be able to stick at through the highs and lows. I was very cognisant of this as I was considering giving up and was acutely aware that all I needed to rediscover my love of the sport was to feel myself making some kind of progress again or, as it turned out, to have an extended amount of time off the mat.

Usually when I can't train, my brain has a defence mechanism it engages that basically stops me thinking about BJJ at all. This had surely been the case for most of my convalescence as I was busy working out when I'd quit, how much money I'd save etc. I even got so far as to memorise the TSG timetable and work out which days I'd be training with them. I wanted to just train a couple of times a week in whatever Martial Art was convenient and forget about the constant drive to train and improve that seems to exist more within BJJ than any other sport.

Then yesterday, as I was idly flicking through Facebook I came across some friend's training and competition photos. The only way I can describe how I felt is to imagine a small spark kindling that soon becomes a roaring fire. I wanted to get back on the mat there and then, how could I have ever considered quitting? This sport was the thing I'd been most passionate about in my entire life! I wanted to win the lottery so I could train BJJ all day every day. Who was this crazy person that was ready to throw it all away so casually?

When I get back it'll take a while to return to the level I was at after 6 weeks off but who knows, this lay off could have done me good. I may have a new outlook on things, I may be able to retain more of what I'm taught. I'll certainly be blogging a lot more and I'll actually watch the instructionals I've had on my PC for the last six months. I've been a quitter all my life and I'm determined not to let it happen again. My competition record's only wins are from interclubs against people smaller than me but this is going to change. I love fighting on the mat and this feeling of never being good enough to compete isn't going to hold me back. I'm going to keep training and keep fighting and be the best I can be. The only person I have to compete with is myself, or rather, my own self doubt and that motherfucker is getting armbarred the next time I see him.

Surgery and the inevitable recovery period

As I write this I am coming up to my fifth week of recovery after having what I thought was going to be simple surgery. Having a Cyst and Abcess removed seems like pretty standard every day stuff right? Apparently not when the afore mentioned nasties are in hard to reach and rather embarrassing places. The Cyst itself was just at the bottom of my spine inside the crack of my backside but the abcess was deeper and ran down to my Coccyx. They also cut out 'potental Cysts'; leaving me with a 10 inches of stitches and the inability to sit down for several weeks.

Just when I was on the mend we discovered a cavity behind the main wound that hadn't healed and was filling up with fluid. This led to my backside swelling up like a Raspberry on the day after I could finally sit down again and being too tender to even touch. After several days of having the wound packed and dressed every day it was decided that I needed to have this machine plugged into my back to constantly drain the fluid out of the hole, giving it a chance to heal. The idea is that they attach a tube to some sponge that is used to pack the wound. But the sponge is a good couple of inches shorter than the cavity. As the fluid is draining, the cavity heals up to the sponge and when I got back to the Hospital, they'll repack it with another slightly smaller piece of sponge. Today's visit showed that there has been a good 2-3 inches of healing in what appears to be an 8 inch cavity so I'm hopeful that I'll finally be fully recovered by next week and can finally get back to some kind of training.